02/23/2015 17:17
I still clearly remember the day we got married, and when I think about it, my heart still flutters, and if I hold those thoughts very long, you’ll see tears. This June 7 it will be 35 years that Shirley walked down that aisle towards me at First Assembly in El Centro, California. That day is so marked on my heart; I still feel it and even smell it.
When people find out how long we’ve been married, they smile, nod their heads, pause or sigh and inevitably say something like this, “Not many marriages last that long anymore. Congratulations.”
There is no “magic formula” or special gift that keeps a marriage long lasting. You won’t find anything like that in our marriage. Shirley and I could have easily been numbered among the casualties of failed marriages. We are each first-born and have high expectations for each other. You should experience us “discussing” those sometime.
But I do believe there are some “understandings” that we found and to which we have committed ourselves that made it easy for us to endure successfully as a married couple.
- Marriage is a covenant. Some define covenant as contract, but a covenant is a step up. In ancient times covenants were sealed with blood. Blood carries life and sealing a covenant in this manner basically states it endures for life. Death is the only exit. Marriage is a blood covenant, but there is a very spiritual element involved. God.
I know for a fact that when Shirley and I married, we also married God into our relationship. We are a three-fold cord that cannot be easily broken. I love Shirley more than anyone on this earth, but my love for God is even greater. If I divorced Shirley, I know I would divorce a part of God from my life. I fear losing any kind of trust and relationship with God. Now, for you theologians out there who are getting riled at that; I’m not talking about going to hell because of divorce—but I know that a divorce from Shirley would sacrifice ministry on earth. I would not be as effective in my Christian influence and I would limit God through me. I can’t stand the thought of that—I fear losing that with God.
- Marriage is a demonstration model. Marriage was created by God where He joined a male and female for several reasons including demonstrating the relationship and love between Christ and the church. Paul calls it a mystery. Shirley and I call it a mystery too especially when our communication styles are so different. Males and females are created to be different for several reasons, but in learning to develop good communication and walking in humility to serve one another’s needs we learn God’s voice and how to function in the kingdom of God here on earth.
- We are held accountable by those who watch us. Yep, people are watching and learning how to live successfully through our marriage. That’s a big load to carry, and I fear disappointing people if I allow my marriage to fail. What a bummer, what a huge disappointment Shirley and I would be to others, especially our daughter. We cannot allow that to happen. Neither can you.
The permissible reasons for divorce today seem to be as wide as an 8-lane Los Angeles highway, but actually you could put them on a string--and you would still see the string. Finding that co-worker attractive, or finding a ballgame buddy, or even that person’s spouse at church fits on the highway, not the string. Yep, unfortunately, it even happens in churches, and even with pastors. When I hear about those, I just want to kick their butts.
Sacrificing a marriage for greener pastures on the other side of the fence is the greatest act of selfishness one can perform on earth. Divorces like that bring irreparable damage to the people around them. The myth that such a divorce is better for the children is more than a myth, but a straight out bold lie. Shirley and I have counseled many people whose parents suffered divorce and even as adults, they still struggle, even if the children were adults when their parents divorced.
That patch of green you’ve been admiring is probably green because it’s over a septic tank. Think about that! (Thank you, Erma). People carry baggage from one failed marriage into another. The beauty of being married 35 years is that Shirley and I know our baggage. We even help carry each other’s bags. That’s an awesome marriage.
My parent’s marriage of over 50 years was fraught with struggles. John and I witnessed the economic downturns, the moves, eating beans and cornbread (a lot), not always having nice things, and the heated “discussions.” John and I didn’t suffer for it—we learned from it. We learned you work things out and not throw in the towel. Although no marriage is perfect, it’s a walk of humility in submission to serving the covenant. Our parents modeled how to work it out and how to keep moving on together for the sake of the marriage, one another, the kids, and everyone else who was watching.
I will forever be grateful, and respectful, to my parents and all the other long-term marrieds out there! We salute you, thanks for modeling the covenant relationship and showing us how to follow in your steps with a long lasting commitment. Discovering and committing to certain understandings about marriage will drive us toward a successful, enduring marriage that can be influential and impactful on everyone watching.
Shirley, I’d marry you all over again in a minute, including your baggage—LOL!
